Last night at the jail went well, and the women continued to share their personal experiences with God and ask lots of questions about the Scriptures. The leaders encouraged me that I facilitated well, and I was grateful so far so good. There was one woman that got up and left suddenly during the video on Leah, but it was not much of a disruption since she was gone before we even had the chance to call a guard. The other ladies noted “she can’t do that” and went back to the video as soon as a volunteer got on the phone.
It was a tough topic that touched on abuse and the scripture spoke to me a lot about a relationship where I love on a person who continually rejects me and makes me feel not worth the time. I don’t think this is the person’s perspective nor does this person mean me any harm, but it a difficult relationship I’ve steeped in prayer.
What the Spirt reveals in me is disorder, as if this person’s opinion is somehow a reflection of God’s view of me. I used to think shame on me for allowing it to be more powerful than God in my heart and life, which is a sin of idolatry in relationship I commit, but I also believe my ability to love no matter what happens is God given. The person is very dear to me. But I also recognize the hurt gets too important and I can very easily spin off into sinful, self-pitying type thinking. Whenever I get in a relationship where my needs aren’t met, given my background, it triggers a flurry of thoughts and often, activity. Working out is the best band-aid for me, but in the end, I will have to take extra time still before Him, to repent, and to start new. Thus far, the Spirit has prompted me that letting go doesn’t mean abrupting cutting off, like I’ve had to do in other sin areas to get free, but rather changing the how much I seek closeness in the relationship.
I don’t live with, nor have I ever lived with, the kind of rejection Leah endured – and had no choice about going through. In my home, growing up, if an upsetting event occurred, we just acted like it never happened; it didn’t get uglier but it also never got resolved.
Leah, the story in Genesis 29 and 30 we focused on, on the other hand, was steeped in it, living with that struggle daily as well as all the relationships causing rivalry around and in her.
The message was that God saw Leah, that she was the mother of Israel, and in the lineage of the Messiah. It was a story of perspective and how the true value of things is not what we can see or even what plays out on this earth.
I don’t know if my friend will even be reconciled with me in this life; I pray for with His kingdom coming, but I do know we will one day be reconciled. Just like aligning myself with what I perceive God to be doing, I will cling to His word that what He plants, He will see fininshed.
I got a “True Spirituality” teaching series today that I hope to bring in to the jail next. A woman at my work and the Protentant pastor are also interested in the book I can’t seem to put down. It arrived yesterday, and I got home too late to start it after the jail, so this morning at the gym I read 25 pages. I can hear him talking like in his podcasts. I’m hoping also to share it with the guys that run the Friends of the Master house. I have to bring that all to prayer because I can’t seem to keep up with all He’s giving me! And yet, so far, He has made time for all I need to do. He’s good.
Here is the song I called Trust.
It’s like I’m watching you, Pretend to be made new, An actor in a pew, tonight
Your ducks are in a row, You know just where to go, And hey didn’t I know, you’re right
But inside somwhere’s crying, Your true self you’re denying, And oh how hard you’re trying, Trust and let it go
It’d take a change to see, How God could set you free, But you’ve got to believe, in Him
You can’t believe in you, and all the good you do, It’s only Christ that’s true, in the end
You’ll go your own way
Our paths to cross I pray
I’ll see you again someday
I trust and let you go…. (Chorus)