first week

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“Yet what happens in the first week meditations on sin is the subtle but effective cultivation of imagination and consciousness. To reflect on the classic stories of the sin on the fallen angels, the sin of Adam, and the catastrophic destructive acts in history is not only to experience horror and grief, but also to know the disappointment of what might have been and has not been realized. Combined with the cultivation of the unfailing power and loving care of G-d, and leading into reflection on the meaning and impact of the events in the life of J-s-s, these meditations on sin are also an invitation to imagine the world and one’s own life as becoming quite different” Monika K Hellwig, Sojourners 1991

The first time I tried to do the Spiritual Exercises, I had found a copy of my husbands – right after he had died – and took time to meditate on my own and got very scared and agitated. A priest told me to stop and read about St Therese. I did.

Fast forward 3 years and I am enrolled in a class to become a lifeguard – that is – a spiritual director. One of the two texts we are reading is “An Ignatian Spirituality Reader” by George W Traub, SJ.

It occurred to me how entrenched I was in the disappointment of what might have been even though I couldn’t have possibly been aware of that at the time. I’m not starting the exercises or anything, just reading a little about them now, in preparation for my first class on Sept 10th.

God is transforming my life into something completely different. I realize now that my fear of getting married was that I would fail to be the person in the relationship I needed to be and I would marry someone that wasn’t a good match. Not only did I make a good choice, but I stepped to the plate in a very hard circumstance. And then in days, he was gone. Just like that.

I have to believe that the cumulative fear for years of evading this kind of intimacy has consequences. But I also have to believe that it doesn’t matter how severly you have “missed the mark.” He will and does restore.

Father God I cling to your promises and trust You with everything I have. This life is already worlds different. As I continue to step forward, I call on You to rush in. Thank You for Who You are and what You are doing. Grant that this house and all You’ve called me to with ministry brings even more people to trust You with all they have, and much more.

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