beautiful goats

Ben #1, 2014

Okay, so I can’t be sure if this is true or not true, but OTIS, Google, and what other inmates are sharing are adding up to show this whole book published from jail is fiction – and not published fiction, just that she got a book published is lies mixed with half truths surrounding events at the jail. (Things happened and some visitors/guards/inmates might be believing the story is being published but it’s not.) Granted, all that prompted my suspicions was intuition and what the Lord tells me in prayer time, but after some investigation, it may be- and looks very much like – that I am working with a woman who escaped prison in California and has been a masterfully successful thief after that.

I goofed big time and am so grateful to the Holy Spirit’s promptings, and also to the whirlwind of support He’s given me among the few I can talk to about this whole thing, but I am also marveling at two other gifts out of this mess I’ve – well – we’ve made.

One is that I see I get along with inmates better than the people at that church I’ve been struggling in is a big problem. My problem. I can’t make myself be something I am not. I let the pastor know I was leaving. I also am leaning hard into my private prayer time and those that work regularly in jails and prisons with this population. This is the ministry He gave me, I love it, and I have to allow Him to sustain me with those that are in the thick of this battle with me, by allowing my fellowship to stay in that same church community. One of the jail ministers was in a small church group and now my social life is either with them, with the other jail ministers, or a few other friends that are not associated with the church I felt like like such an oddball around. Who knows why that was, but instead of doing mental calisthenics about it I am actually going to let it go and allow myself a single church membership. What a concept 😉

The other thing is that I am amazed at my admiration for this compulsive liar. I mean, I used to be one, and now I am free of that, and although I was very taken aback, I was also impressed by her skill. Not that i wanted to be like her and I shudder for what she has to account for when she sees Him for an account, and it angers me the lies she’s told me as even more to the other inmates, but – if who she is was living for G-d, she would be steller. I still genuinely love her. Not in a way like some need of mine needs to be filled but I ache for her when I see my own sins from the past and hope for her to have a clean life like I by grace can live.

There is a tiny chance I am wrong about it being false but – if I am, the stuff that came out of this still has been very good because book or no book, I am off.

Lord, because of my own sin, I am way over my head with this person. Forgive me. Help me make it right. Please go before me to get to the truth with her. Father may I not encourage or confirm any false reality she has created, help me to just keep silent when I need to. Thank You for clarifying my path and as I continue to work with all of these ladies, work in me so that Your best is done for them. I love that you’ve entrusted me with this and I blew it but I know You will show me how to get to where You want me. Happy Thanksgiving Lord – there is so much I am continually grateful for. Lead on, Sweet Savior, lead on.

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